My Transformative Creative Expression Experiment

I have been asked by several people what the origin and intentions are behind my most recent works of art.

Both the origins and intentions are multi-layered. In terms of origin, the deep origin of my current and past creative work is and always has been connected to my becoming a stutterer as a young child and using art as a means of communicating without words. In essence, my creative work became my voice.

The more specific "origin" of my more recent stream of creative works began back in April 2017 when I decided to do an experiment of creating a work of art every day for 45 days. The goal was to see if I could deepen my self-owning of identifying myself as "being an artist"...something that I have struggled with for most of my life. The 45-day time-frame was from the book Habits of a Happy Brain by Loretta Graziano Breuning. In the book Breuning explores how it takes 45 days of repeating a pattern (activity, behavior pattern, for instance) for it to begin to feel natural due to the laying down of the neural pathways for the pattern within the brain.

As part of the experiment I also recorded a video journal every day where I explored and reflected on my process. I used video journaling to see if I could learn to feel more natural in front of the camera. As a stutterer I have always had some degree of discomfort using my voice...especially on camera.

During my experiment I created at least one drawing per day, these being meditative mandalas and abstract forms arising from different states of consciousness. I also found myself animating some of my drawings, showing the various stages of creation and setting them to meditative music and sound in what I call art-in-motion videos. Somehow my process evolved to include a deepening, expansion and integration of my varied research interests into a daily "lived inquiry" practice. These research interests include exploring transformative approaches to art and media, the experience of inner guidance and the nature of consciousness itself.

My experiment was so successful for me that I kept doing a work of art every day long after the 45 day period (until my tablet died in October 2017), for a total of 188 days. During the process I found that doing a creative work every day fed my soul, gave me boundless joy and energy, and became a form of therapy and healing for me. The work evolved into a deep integrally-informed, psycho-spiritual-political creative practice that did indeed deepen my self-identity as an artist. My video journaling appeared to expand my process and helped me feel more comfortable and natural using my verbal "voice" both on- and off-camera. The integration of these practices with my research interests created a vibrant daily existence that filled my being with purpose and joy.

As part of my new creative lived-inquiry practice I would start by meditating and trying to connect with the evolutionary impulse or what Jean Gebser referred to as the inner commission that guides our individual and collective evolution. I would then attempt to follow that guidance through my daily explorations of art making and lived inquiry. Through this work I have come to deeply feel and believe that every problem in our lives and the world is a problem of consciousness and our individual and collective development. Because of this my deep intention for my creative and lived inquiry work has become the healing and elevation of my own consciousness and that of the world.

During my experiment, I viscerally discovered three distinct creative guided-inquiry states where I became immersed in what seemed to be either a stream-, field- or arc-of-consciousness and these appeared to be connected to my experience of being, belonging and becoming…

• BEING or beingness is our Self in the moment; it is who we are when we are being fully present, fully aware and fully who we are in the NOW, in the fluid NOW, for the NOW is any given moment within the STREAM of individual and collective consciousness. 
• BELONGING is our beingness in relation to the beingness of others and the world. It is our awareness of our interconnectedness with that which appears to be outside of ourselves in various relational and spatial FIELDs of consciousness. 
• BECOMING is our evolutionary journey; it is our awareness of the whole stream and its place within the ocean of streams. It is where we have been, where we are, and where we are going along our own individual arc of consciousness and within the greater collective evolutionary ARC of humanity. 

As part of this creative guided-inquiry evolutionary process I am attempting to dive into, capture and share with myself and the receiver experiences of the different streams-, fields- and arcs-of-consciousness which in turn can potentially offer us tastes of beingness, belonging and becoming...and hopefully help me the creator and you the receiver to evolve to higher, deeper and more expansive ways of being, belonging, and becoming…

If you are interested in delving deeper into my 45 day experiment you can check out my Lived Inquiry Video Journal on my YouTube Channel...


If you check out the intro and day 45 journals you can get a pretty good idea of the intentions and the results.

I also created a video of all 45 works of art during the 45 day experiment, which can be found on my YouTube Channel...

And for those who want to check out all 188 works of art you can find them on my Tumblr blog or Instagram feed.

If you are touched by my work and would like a print of one of my pieces check out my Artpal page for print options. If you cannot find the piece you want on Artpal, you can contact me directly at arcofconsciousness@gmail.com and I will make it available for purchase on Artpal for you.

And finally I would like to express my deep gratitude for Mr. Lietso, my 7th grade science teacher, who threatened to haunt me after he died if I did not live my life as an artist; to Jill Mellick, who taught me how to use art for personal and collective transformation; to James Fadiman for teaching me about transpersonal and transformative storytelling; to Ken Wilber and Michael Schwartz for inspiring me to explore an integral approach to art and media; to fellow integral artist Jimmy Lusero for re-awakening the artist in me after years of creative slumber; to dear friend Jonathan Steigman and my amazing sister Mardi who gave me shelter while I did this experiment; and to all my friends, family members, colleagues and strangers who bore witness to my journey and gave me their wondrous words, likes and emoji’s of affirmation along the way.

VOICE IN EXILE Classic Film on Stuttering now available on DVD, VOD and Digital Download at Amazon

VOICE IN EXILE – The Powerful Award-Winning Classic Narrative Film Capturing the Experience of Stuttering – Is now available on DVD, Video On Demand, and Digital Download from Amazon.com at: http://www.amazon.com/Voice-Exile-Ben-Bottoms/dp/B00BJC8J9C/ 

“VOICE IN EXILE is the first film on stuttering that tells the story from the inside with all the intensity and power of a real life experience...this is one hell of a film!” – John Harrison, The National Stuttering Association 

“VOICE IN EXILE is among the most notable socio-dramas on the subject of people with physical challenges.” - Geoff Alexander, Academic Film Archive of North America

 “VOICE IN EXILE is a remarkable little film!” – Mitchell Fink, Los Angeles Herald Examiner 

About the Film: 

VOICE IN EXILE is an internationally acclaimed award-winning dramatic and archetypal film journey into the mind and emotions of Alan Woodward, a seventeen-year old stutterer, exploring the inner and outer trials, tribulations and fears that stutterer’s often endure. Because of Alan's stuttering, communicating the simplest idea is often impossible. Everywhere Alan goes he faces impatient people who do not understand his severe speech problem. At school, Alan faces snickers and stares that wound him. At night, the horrors of Alan's days invade his dreams, leaving him no peace in sleep. At home, Alan faces loving parents who share his frustration; yet, they are confused and often misguided in their efforts to help him overcome his stuttering. It is Alan's grandfather, a recently retired college professor, who seems to be the only one able to communicate with and help Alan embark on a journey of transformation that ultimately leads to the release of his imprisoned inner voice.

 The writer/director of this powerful cinematic work, Mark Allan Kaplan, is himself a stutterer and this film is the culmination of Mark's deep personal quest to express the inner life of the stutterer through film. This quest for expression began with the writing of the script, during which Mark delved deeply into his own experiences and emotions as a stutter and tried to translate them into a dramatic story. The script was further developed with the additional input from interviews with other stutterers, while Mark worked with his committed cinematography, sound, and production design teams to translate the experiential reality of the stutterer into a visceral audiovisual language. Then Mark worked with the actor playing Alan, Ben Bottoms, on both the physical aspects of stuttering and the emotional underpinnings.

 As a result of this passionate personal and collective effort, VOICE IN EXILE is a remarkably gripping film that touches viewers on many levels. On one level, it is about a young man's quest to conquer his stuttering. On another level, it is about the inner struggle of all those faced with physical and psychological challenges. On a broader and deeper level, the film speaks to all of us as it addresses a universal theme - the struggle to overcome one's legitimate and unfounded fears...fears that inhibit us, often with disastrous results. A Film By Mark Allan Kaplan Starring Ben Bottoms, Jesse Ehrlich, Richard Sarradet, and Sarah Simmons Produced at the American Film Institute Center for Advanced Film Studies

 For more on VOICE IN EXILE visit www.voiceinexile.com

"Voice in Exile" DVD Release - Now Available at Amazon.com

The DVD of "Voice in Exile," my dramatic AFI film about a young stutterer, is now available for purchase from Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Voice-Exile-Ben-Bottoms/dp/B00BJC8J9C/

About the Film and the Process of Creating it...

Voice in Exile is a dramatic transformative film journey into the mind and emotions of Alan Woodward, a seventeen year old stutterer. Seeing the world, both imagined and real, through Alan's eyes, we share the nightmare that haunts him and his family as he struggles to not let his stuttering stop him from living.

My goal as a filmmaker was to capture the inner and outer world of the stutterer through dramatic, symbolic, archetypal, and audiovisual expression. This was a deeply personal journey for me since I have been a stutterer for most of my life.

The process began with the writing of the script. During the scriptwriting phase I delved into my own experiences and emotions as a stutter and tried to translate them into a dramatic story. I also interviewed other stutterers for additional research. The script was further developed while I worked with my cinematographer and production designer to translate the experiential reality of the stutterer into a visceral audiovisual language.

An audiovisual score was created for the film to explore the use of the expressive elements of space, shape, line, light, color, tone, rhythm, movement, orientation, time, contrast/affinity, sign, symbol and archetype in the capturing of the emotional and perceptual states of an individual who stutters. This score was developed from the my own personal story and experiences, along with the stories and experiences of other stutterer's. The screenplay and storyboards were created concurrently with the visual score, enabling the integration of the visual design throughout the piece. The visual score included divisions for subjective and objective perceptions of waking reality (SPR/OPR); subjective dream states (SDS); and subjective developmental transitions (SDT).

Throughout this process and the rest of preproduction, production, and postproduction, a profound inner battle waged within me. Part of me desired to share these inner experiences with others, while another part of me was terrified of revealing this deeply personal emotional reality.

This personally transformative filmmaking experience also appeared to have a transformative effect on viewers of the film as well. A majority of stutterer's reported feeling as though the film captured their inner lives. This produced emotional release, a reduction in feelings of isolation, and an increase in self-esteem in numerous cases. There was one reported case of the film averting an individual’s attempt at suicide. Families of stutterer's who viewed the material reported an increase in understanding and empathy for the family member who stuttered. Non-stutterer's reported an increase in understanding about stuttering and empathy for people who stutter.

"Voice in Exile" also won numerous awards including the Golden Gate Award at the San Francisco International Film Festival and the Silver Medal at the Chicago International Film Festival, and was aired on Cinemax/HBO and A&E Cable Networks.


More Information About "Voice in Exile" is available at voiceinexile.com.

Voice in Exile - Cafeteria Scene

 

The Cafeteria Scene from "Voice in Exile," a cinematic vision-quest into the mind and heart of a stutterer. Written and Directed by Mark Allan Kaplan

Voice in Exile - Classroom Scene

The Classroom Scene from "Voice in Exile," a cinematic vision-quest into the mind and heart of a stutterer. Written and Directed by Mark Allan Kaplan.

Voice in Exile - Opening Dream Sequence

 

The opening dream sequence of "Voice in Exile," a cinematic vision-quest into the mind and heart of a stutterer. Written and Directed by Mark Allan Kaplan

Answering the Call of Stuttering: The Story of the Making of Voice in Exile

 Voice in Exile (1984)

Back in the mid-8Os, I was invited to attend the premier of a 30-minute film on stuttering that was written, directed, and produced by Mark Allan Kaplan, a graduate student at the American Film Institute. It was a remarkable accomplishment in many ways, especially in how concisely it captured the essence of the stuttering experience. The fact that it was created by a student made it even more remarkable. Since then, Voice in Exile has had hundreds of screenings... on Cable Television, at National Stuttering Association chapters, and in schools across the country. No film better communicates to the non-stuttering world what many of us have gone through; and yet, the story is uplifting and transcendent.

– John Harrison, National Stuttering Association

It was the fall of 1979 and my junior year at the University of Southern California. Professor Barbara Myerhoff entered the classroom, and began to teach us about personal and social anthropology, myths, and dreams. During one of the classes, Professor Myerhoff introduced us to the world of the Shaman, the indigenous holy person, or medicine man (or women). She explained to us that the shaman was the “expert of the injured soul” who has been called on by the spirits to heal themselves and others. This call often came in the form of a sickness that the shaman-elect would have to cure themselves of with the aid of helping spirits. Once they cured themselves by traveling between the waking world and the world of the spirits, they would have the ability to help others.

After the lecture, Professor Myerhoff asked me to walk with her back to her office. She said she was touched by my personal journal entries about my stuttering. Her voice softened to almost a whisper as she told me that it was believed that stuttering was one of the major afflictions that the spirits used to call someone to the shaman’s path. Professor Myerhoff smiled, and told me that after reading my personal writings, getting to know me in person, and being deeply moved by my films, she believed I was being called by spirit through my stuttering to heal myself and to help others.

At first I was just sort of numb. I thanked her for her insights as she went into her office. I walked around campus for a while in a daze and ended up in the courtyard of the Philosophy building. As I stared into the bubbling water of the circular fountain in the center of the gothic courtyard, my whole perception of my self began to shift. I had always seen my stuttering as this horrible and crippling handicap. Now, as I began to think of my stuttering as a challenge for change and growth from some higher or deeper source, a heaviness seemed to lift from around my heart.

Inspired by my experiences with Professor Myerhoff and my exposure to shamanism, I began to ask within for a direction or purpose. A while later, during a film project evaluation, one of my film professors said that he believed my stuttering had made me a great filmmaker. He explained that because words were so hard for me that I had found a way of speaking visually with great depth and power. Looking back at my life, I suddenly saw my creative endeavors into drawing, painting, architecture, still photography, and film as part of a great archetypal quest to communicate with others beyond the realm of the spoken word. Not long after this encounter, I received the inspiration to create a dramatic film based on my own experiences and perceptions as a stutterer. The making of this film would be a vision quest into the depths of my own psyche to uncover and share what it felt like to be a person who stutters. I sensed that the process of making this film could be healing for myself and for others, and a culmination of my creative quest to communicate.

As I began to work on the story, the idea of creating a shamanic subplot emerged. The story would be about a young stutterer who would face his fears with the help of his grandfather, a retired anthropology professor specializing in shamanism. His journey would include the waking world, dreams, symbols, and archetypes.

After graduating from USC, I attended the American Film Institute (AFI) to continue developing my craft, and to supply a creative container for the making of this film. One day the title for the film came to me in a dream. I saw myself on a lone runway. I opened my mouth to scream, but there were steel bars in my mouth. I woke up with the title: Voice in Exile.

After the first year at the AFI, I returned to my childhood home in Chicago, Illinois and spent the summer writing the screenplay for Voice in Exile. The familiar surroundings of my childhood aided in the unearthing of the emotional and psychological memories needed for the story. This entire process felt like a dream. As I descended into the darkness of my unconscious, the world around me seemed supportive and gentle. It felt as though the world was holding its breath while I journeyed within. A black bird became the helping spirit in my story in parallel with my seeing large black crows following me wherever I would go. They seemed to be my helping spirits, both within my story and in my waking life, telling me I was on the right track.

After completing the first draft of the script I returned to school, and began the process of making the film. I met with the Los Angeles chapter of the National Stuttering Association to deepen my research for the final draft of the script. This was my first group encounter with fellow stutterers and as I became aware of our shared reality, I had a deep sense of tribal homecoming. After completing the final script, we began pre-production, which included casting the actors and preparing them for the shoot. This was the beginning of my quest to train an actor to stutter. At first it was merely a mechanical process, working on the physical process of stuttering. Then came the journey into the psyche of the stutterers mind, my mind. I learned so much about my self from this process that I am still in awe of it.

Weeks later we began to shoot the film but the production process was fraught with turbulence and confusion. Communication problems arose at every turn. My mind seemed to be waging a war within me – part of me wanted to share my truths, and another part of me was terrified. Everyone who worked on the film seemed to be caught in the energy of some form of communication challenge.

When principal photography was finished, I was exhausted and burnt out. I went up to San Francisco to work with my composer, and he suggested I go to Esalen Institute in Big Sur for some rest. Driving down the California coast was calming. I drove along the winding road south of Big Sur looking for Esalen, hoping that it would be before the spot where the coast road had been closed for the past year because of storm damage. Up ahead, I saw the signs announcing that the coast road was still closed. I stopped at the roadblock, and asked a construction worker when the road would be open. He smiled and said, “Right now, you’re the first to get through.” He waved and the crew lifted the barrier. As I drove past the construction site I couldn’t help feeling as though I were being divinely guided.

I drove for a while, and finally found Esalen. Driving down the steep incline into the property, I felt an incredible sense of belonging. Even though I had never been there before, it seemed deeply familiar, like a long lost home. I went to the office and asked if they had any vacancies. They told me that I was lucky because there was only one opening left.

After checking in, I walked around the grounds in a daze, wondering what was happening to me. I found my way to the dining room, and sat at a small table by myself, eating my food, and surveying the colorful crowd. A middle aged Native American woman approached and asked if she could join me. I said sure. She smiled warmly and sat down. Looking deeply into my eyes, she told me that she was a shaman and could tell that I had just been through a very powerful creative experience that was chaotic and painful. She continued, saying that communication was the central theme. At this point, I could only stare in dismay. The woman proceeded to tell me that the creative endeavor was successful, despite the confusing nature of the experience. She told me I needed to replenish my energy by resting my body, following my intuition, and doing only what I felt like doing.

Later that evening I floated in the mineral baths under the stars wondering if I was dreaming and if my journey to share the inner life of a stutterer would have value. In the darkness beside me, a man and woman were having a conversation. The woman stuttered as she told the man “… if y-you c-could o-o-only kn-now how it fffeels.” Tears came to my eyes as the hot water penetrated my pores and her words cut through the darkness miraculously answering my hearts question.

Feeling rested and renewed, I returned to Los Angeles and finished the film. We premiered the film, and it was a great success. Stutterers and non-stutterers said they were deeply moved. The studios called me for private screenings, power lunches, and meetings. The film won many awards, and was shown at festivals across the country. Amidst all this, I was asked to show the film and speak at a national convention for the National Stuttering Association. As I stood before the crowd of several hundred stutterers, I felt like the shaman who had gone on a vision quest, and was now bringing it back to share with the tribe. I was truly overwhelmed by the response. Stutterers, their spouses, and their families expressed their gratitude for the healing the film brought into their lives.

My vision quest was complete, yet it seemed as though my journey was just beginning. I thought I would feel whole and healed, but I felt empty and naked. All my fears were exposed to the light, the trappings of fame and fortune seemed hollow, and the person I thought I was seemed like an illusion. I left Hollywood in search of my self and to continue my quest to heal my stuttering. I traveled to distant lands, explored the rituals and practices of many spiritual traditions, and became a student of eastern and western psychology. I have lived through many crises of the heart, the mind, and the spirit, as well as many physical challenges including poor health, bankruptcy and near homelessness.

During this strange and wondrous adventure I have learned how to love and how to live more fully. With the completion of “Voice in Exile” my quest to communicate through other forms beyond the spoken word shifted to a quest to find my own voice and to help others find theirs. As I look back on my journey, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the gift of both the blessings and challenges along the way, for they all conspired toward my growth. I have discovered that stuttering can be a call to awaken and to heal the self and others; I have discovered that for true healing to occur we must work on all levels of ourselves: Body, mind, heart and spirit; and I have discovered that the journey is all there is and it is endless.

*Originally Published in Letting Go: The Monthly Publication of the National Stuttering Association, May/June, 1-10, 2002